The Truth About Your Energy: It’s Your Choice
Ever had one of those conversations where you walk away feeling completely wiped out? I know I have. We’re quick to label the other person as an “energy vampire,” right? But here’s the thing – what if there aren’t any energy vampires at all? What if it’s actually us allowing our energy to be affected?
I’ve spent years as a leadership and wellbeing coach (with all those fancy letters after my name – MSW, RSW, MA in Leadership, and ACC from ICF). And you know what I’ve learned? Your energy stays yours – if you know how to keep it that way.
The real game-changer isn’t avoiding “difficult people” (as if we could!) but mastering our own energy. It’s less about protection and more about choice. And trust me, that realization changes everything.
My Own Wake-up Call About Energy
Let me share something personal. A few years back, I worked with a colleague who seemed to suck the life out of every room. You probably know the type – constant complaints, always finding problems, never solutions.
After our meetings, I’d feel absolutely drained. My productivity tanked. My mood soured. And I did what most of us do – blamed them entirely. “They’re such an energy vampire!” became my go-to explanation.
Then came my lightbulb moment. During one particularly difficult interaction, I caught myself. What if the problem wasn’t them taking my energy, but me giving it away? What if my own unresolved stuff was actually creating the drain I felt?
That shift – from “they’re stealing my energy” to “I’m allowing my energy to drop” – was honestly life-changing. Instead of feeling like a victim, I felt back in control. And oddly enough, those interactions started feeling way less draining.
This wasn’t just some theoretical concept anymore – it was real-world wisdom that completely transformed my coaching approach. These days, I help other professionals see that same empowering truth.
It’s Not Them, It’s How We Respond
Look, I’m not saying difficult people don’t exist! We all know they do.
But here’s the deal – what we call “energy vampires” are just people operating from their own stuff, usually their own pain or fear. The drain happens not because they’re taking our energy (they literally can’t), but because something in us resonates with or reacts to their frequency.
Think about it – haven’t you noticed how the same “energy vampire” might completely drain you but barely affect your colleague? That’s because energy drain isn’t about them – it’s about how we’re wired to respond.
This is actually great news! If no one can take your energy without your permission (conscious or unconscious), then guess what? You’ve got way more power than you thought.
Three Real-World Approaches That Actually Work
1. Notice Your Own Response (Without the Blame Game)
Most advice focuses on avoiding “energy vampires,” but that’s missing the point. Energy shifts start inside you long before you consciously notice them.
What’s Really Happening: Your energy doesn’t drop because someone “took it.” It drops when something in their behavior triggers your own unresolved stuff. Those physical sensations – the tight chest, the heavy shoulders, that knot in your stomach – they’re signals about YOUR energy, not evidence of energy theft.
Try This Instead (It Works, I Promise):
- Catch yourself responding – The next time you feel your energy drop during an interaction, just notice what’s happening in your body. No judgment, no blame. Just: “Hmm, interesting, I’m feeling my energy shift.”
- Own it – This isn’t about blame but about power. Silently remind yourself: “This is happening in me, not to me.” You’d be amazed how instantly empowering this tiny shift feels.
- Choose again – Take a couple of deep breaths (nobody will even notice) while thinking: “My energy, my choice.” It’s like hitting a reset button on your internal state.
I remember coaching a brilliant but stressed-out executive who’d been avoiding a particular team member for months because they were “so draining.” After practicing this approach for just two weeks, she told me: “I can’t believe I gave someone else so much power over my energy for so long. Those interactions are actually fine now – sometimes even productive!”
2. Set Boundaries That Make Sense for YOU
Here’s where we often trip ourselves up. We think boundaries are all-or-nothing: either endless patience or complete avoidance. But real life’s messier than that, isn’t it?
A Better Way to Think About It: Instead of seeing boundaries as walls against “energy vampires,” think of them as conscious choices about where YOUR energy goes – like deciding how to invest your money, but it’s your life force instead.
Make Your Energy Investments Wisely:
- What matters to you? – Ask yourself where engaging with this person actually aligns with what you care about. Maybe you think: “Supporting Alex’s project matters because I value our team’s success, so this is worth my energy.” Being clear about this changes everything.
- Know your limits – Be specific about what works for you. Maybe it’s: “I’m fully present for our 10am meetings, but not available for unscheduled interruptions.” Vague boundaries fail; specific ones stick.
- Recognize your triggers – Get honest about when someone’s behavior pushes your buttons. “When Pat gets critical in meetings, it triggers my own insecurities, which drains my energy unnecessarily.”
Here’s How to Say It Without the Awkwardness:
When you need to establish a boundary, try this approach (it sounds natural, not robotic):
“I really value working with you on this project… and I’ve noticed I bring my best thinking when we schedule specific discussion times rather than impromptu chats… so could we set up a regular Tuesday check-in instead of catching up on the fly?”
One client told me this approach was “like magic” because it eliminated the guilt and defensiveness they usually felt when setting boundaries. The beauty is that it honors both the relationship AND your energy needs.
3. Connect With What Actually Energizes You
Here’s the most counter-intuitive truth I’ve discovered in my years of coaching: the best energy source isn’t external at all – it’s your connection to what matters to you.
The Real Energy Secret: You don’t get depleted when you give energy (which can actually be energizing) but when you disconnect from your purpose. Those draining interactions often feel that way because they pull you away from what feels meaningful, not because someone’s “taking” your energy.
My Favorite Practice - I Call It Three-Point Alignment:
I teach this to almost all my clients because it’s simple but powerful:
- Remember your “why” – Before potentially draining situations, take just 30 seconds to remind yourself: “How might this conversation actually connect to something I care about?” Maybe that meeting with your difficult colleague is actually an opportunity to practice patience or to move an important project forward. This mental reframing works wonders.
- Open your heart a bit – This might sound woo-woo, but it’s practical psychology. Put a hand over your heart and silently extend some compassion to both yourself and the other person. Remember, difficult behaviors usually come from someone’s pain. This prevents you from absorbing their emotional state.
- Trust your gut – Take a deep breath into your belly and check in with your intuition. What’s yours to deal with here, and what isn’t? This belly-level knowing helps you avoid taking on problems that aren’t actually yours to solve.
I guided a leadership team through this practice before their interactions with a particularly challenging stakeholder. The team lead called me afterward saying, “It completely changed the dynamic. What used to leave us all exhausted somehow became… almost interesting? Definitely manageable.”
From Drained to Empowered: A Real Transformation
A few years ago, I worked with a group of healthcare professionals who were absolutely burning out. They came to me talking about all the “energy vampires” they dealt with daily – difficult patients, demanding families, bureaucratic administrators.
The turning point wasn’t identifying who to avoid. It was recognizing how their own responses, often rooted in compassion fatigue and unprocessed stress, were creating automatic energy drains.
As they practiced these approaches, something remarkable happened. They stopped seeing themselves as victims of energy drain and started experiencing themselves as capable of maintaining their energy even in challenging circumstances.
One nurse told me, “I used to come home completely empty, with nothing left for my family. Now I still deal with the same difficult situations, but I don’t absorb them the same way. I actually have energy left at the end of my shift.”
These experiences have deeply shaped how I work with clients at my practice in Edmonton. Whether we’re meeting in person or connecting virtually, this fundamental shift – from blaming others to owning your energy – creates the most profound transformations.
This Isn’t Just Theory – It Works
The real power isn’t in avoiding challenging people (good luck with that in today’s world!) but in integrating these three approaches into your daily life. When you combine self-awareness, thoughtful boundaries, and purpose connection, you create something sustainable.
Remember – energy mastery isn’t about putting up shields. It’s about choice. When you truly get that no one depletes your energy without your permission, you reclaim something essential – your own power to experience vitality regardless of circumstances.
Ready to stop feeling drained by certain people? To move from feeling depleted to feeling energized? This journey doesn’t start with identifying who’s “stealing” your energy. It starts with embracing a simple truth: your energy belongs to you, and only you can decide how to share it.
Want to take your energy management to the next level? Struggling with specific relationships that consistently leave you drained? Let’s talk. Schedule a complimentary strategy session, and we’ll develop practical tools tailored to your unique situation and values.
I offer services in English, Hindi, and Gujarati – whatever makes you most comfortable.
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